Part 7 of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure is a race across America to find the mummified pieces of the corpse of Jesus Christ (who is the now the source of Stand powers), and this race was organized by the 23rd President of the United States, President Funny Valentine.
Abbacchio: Mista, listen. We may not both make it out of this.
Mista: What!?
Abbacchio: If you die, I think I’m prepared to live with that. I’ve practiced it a lot. But there’s also a chance you might survive and I won’t!
Mista: There’d be a better chance if you’d help me shoot!
Abbacchio: In case I don’t make it, I can’t help but think of all the future mistakes you’re gonna make that I’m not gonna be there to scream at you about!
Mista: Oh stop, I’m getting all teary-eyed.
Abbachio: I just wanna let you know that back at the hideout there’s a recorder deck! I’ve pre-recorded about 57 hours of rants that should be applicable in a variety of situations! Whenever you’re feeling good about yourself, I want you to play one. And always remember, somebody hates you.
my coworker today was like “i bet you dont know this song” and put on Don’t Go Breaking My Heart. And I was like “yeah, of course I do, it’s Elton John” and he was like “who?” and I said “Elton John. He wrote this” and he was like “oh I don’t know about that, it’s just in the Chicken Little movie”
How am I supposed to explain to my family that this is the only thing that will make me laugh anymore
In approx. 6 months when all of Tumblr hates John Mulaney and wants to burn him at the stake for no apparent reason, I will remember the “John mulaney should be gay” posts as I sip my lemonade and watch the rabble dance on the ashes of yet another person they idolized into destruction
Actually, I’m gonna map this out for ya right now
John mulaney should be gay. Some fans quote the “God may ¾ of a gay man and then forgot to flip the last switch” joke from New In Town, I believe, but most people chuckle, nod along, and reblog
This will develop and evolve into “John mulaney is appropriating gay culture,” because this is Tumblr and Olympic leaps is what we do
That will quickly evolve into “John mulaney is queer baiting,” because, again, Tumblr
John mulaney will be the new Taylor swift, John green, whomever the hell else that Tumblr once loved and then decided to hate because ~50 million people can never agree on anything
In 2 years, the salt n’ pepper diner video will get passed around again, only people who innocently reblog a funny story from a comedian they don’t really know will get anons “warning” them about the awful, homophobic John mulaney
Most people will accept it outright, because we’re all a little weary of comedians, lbr, but some will question it. When the answer they get is “idk, but I think I remember people saying he was queer baiting because we thought he was gay but apparently he’s not and some people made joke posts about it that a lot of other people took too seriously,” they’ll respond with “are you serious?”
Yes, I am. Welcome to The Dark Ages™
I’m gonna schedule this post for 3 month intervals throughout the year.
Let’s see if Tumblr’s straight, white, golden child du jour survives 2018, shall we?
It’s happening
Ayyyyyyyyyyyyye
I’m so mad at how accurately you predicted this. This website…
